*Sigh* Just...Something...

I've been thinking about this for a while now. It's been bothering me more and more every day so I just wanted to post here...
.::JUST A NOTE BEFORE I START::.
This has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with the new rules to the cb, I've been thinking about this for a while beforethose rules were made.
I'm not trying to blame anyone specifically, I'm mostly blaming myself.
This was typed up whilst crying so I'm sorry if some parts don't make total sense.

NOW. TO MY RANT THING.

...
Lately, every time I've logged in to the cb, I've felt uncomfortable, and unwelcome. I've logged in, you've all said hi, sure, but I've always felt just that little bit of unease, or whatever...
I log in, and it it feels as if I'm intruding on something. Intruding in your lives, and your happy times in the cb.
And when I'm upset, it shopws a little in my typing, sometimes more than other times... And someone asks hey, what's wrong?
I say I'm fine...
And from then on the air in the cb just seems a little awkward and uncomfortable.
And maybe someone else logs in and I try to disappear into the background, because I didn't want anyone to worry, because these are my problems, I need to sort them out on my own, and someone d/cs.... The last thing they typed was "If you say so..." or "If you're really sure..." or "Ok aru..." I blame myself, caus in a way it's sort of my fault that they disappeared, and I can't rfeally do anything about it, and to be honest after that happens, I feel like shit because it was my fault, and I shouldn't logged in when I didn't feel the best.
That would've prevented someone else getting upsetor whatever and disappearing.
That may be a little stupid, but whatever...
It's also a slight rl x online clash that's been really bugging me for nearly a month and a half, maybe two months.
I won't go in to detail on that, because that's something I'm not comfortable telling a soul other than my own, even anonymously on the net, in the cb, in the forums, to another cb, to another forum, to my friends, to anyone.
Even someone who I'm close to, someone who's special to me, I can't tell them, because it involves them, and it would ruin our friendship if I told them. I can't even completely admit it to myself.
Also, that friend of mine and i had a disagreement recently, and that's been hurting a little.
I don't even know why I try, really.
I try to do something nice, something special, and I /fail/ because I'm young, I make bad choices, and I can't do some things on my own yet. I want to start over, just give up, erase my current online-life, and start over, but that's a little selfish, I guess.
It would hurt a lot to let go of you guys, and I don't want to do that, I CAN'T do that, because I love you guys too much.
But I just can't stand the awkwardness, the feeling that the people here on the site are slowly slipping away, and that I'm no longer a part of the family. It hurts. It /really/ does.
I can't deal with it anymore.
I would quit, but I can't bring myself to do it.
I just can't.
I'm barely able to type this all up right now, I'm crying so much, but I couldn't bottle it up, because that fucking hurts too.
And I've resorted to ice cream depressing music and stupid sad movies that I hate but I can't seem to watch anything else right now.
Because of all this stupid meaningless shit, even after my cb ban ends, I won't be very active on the cb anymore.
I just can't do it.
I can't wake up every morning and turn on my computer as quickly as I can to see if anyone is online, and say hello before I go to school.
I can't stay up all night just to talk to you guys.
I want to, but I just can't do it.
It hurts.
It hurts that I care so fucking much about people i don't know and may never meet.
It hurts too much to read your words in my 'headcanon' voice for all of you.
It hurts to imagine what your smile looks like.
It hurts that I really know nothing about you at all.
It hurts that I care so much about you and I don't even know your middle name.
It hurts that I don't know things about you, and I'm supposed to be your friend.
It hurts that you aren't here, and I can't see you every day.
I would give probably anything to be over there so I could see you.
But it hurts.
I can't do it anymore.
So I'm giving up.
Sorry.
But 8297.8 Miles dstance is too much for me right now.
Maybe things will be different soon.






~~~




I'll still be active on the forums, but I won't be on the cb. You can PM me, or email me, but there's a 50/50 chance I'll reply.
I'm going to go cry myself to sleep now.
Bye, guys.
Nice knowing you all.
I guess.

Aruna...Forgive me if it's not my place as i have only known you for a very brief period. But i know that you shouldn't give up on the CB, I'm sorry if at any point i made you feel unbelonging. I can understand that perhaps you may want to have a break..and from what i read i wouldn't hold it against you. But just don't give up entirely please, I'm sure many people on here would miss you a lot.

I want to help and make you happy in any way i can, please don't hesitate to PM me ok? In fact ill send you a message now. I'm really not to good at this comforting thing, but please bare with me. I know it may seem rough now, but as you mentioned in your post, people on here love you and will miss you just as much as you will them. Like i said before i have only known you for a short time, but i don't want to lose you as a friend so early. Even if it is selfish of me to say so. I enjoy the chats we have.

Feel better <3 Wipe away those tears and hold your head high.

Kanra